Music and Dad

All tho me and my dad thought differently on allot of things we did share the love of music.


Whilst my brain is trying to think and deal with it, all I can think about is driving with my dad listening to music. If he was in a good mood he would let me bring a CD and he would listen to my music, I always tried to impress him with my songs. I remember one day when I brought a CD with me and it had ludicrous (move bitch) on it and my dad was making me laugh so much by acting like he was in a rap video :-).


My dad saw me cry allot last year some times it was over nothing but when I had a real reason to cry my dad all ways would say don't cry sweetheart and if we were at home he would go in to the kitchen and make me the strongest sweetest cup of tea. Last year my dad was there for me I wish I could say thank you and sorry for the year of hell.


Next time I paint my room who's gonna take the piss out of my work? I am so sorry I didn't call him once whilst I was here. I was going to call him one day to ask him how to cook a big joint of pork but I didn't if I only did call him things wouldn't be as painful now.


I hope that me and my brothers can make my dad happy now by sticking together and by doing the best we can to behave and love each other.


I am gonna miss our funny fights and I will so miss dad at Christmas and new year getting loud and drunk as a fart then passing out and snoring the house down.


I cant even tell you how this feels the only way I can describe it is, your heart aches and you can feel the physical pain. I feel like a kid when I cry it just reminds me of when I was little and it was bed time, I would have these panic attacks that some thing would happen to my dad and mum and I would run in to the living room to tell dad and mum that I never want them to die and dad would say don't be silly.


Last year I had a horrific dream about my dad dieing and I woke up and I was so happy that it was a dream, now its the other way round I dream he is here wake up and he is gone.


I just hope he is being looked after where ever he is. I know he will be so happy to see his dad and mum and brother again and all his mates. I think he actually has more people there than he did here. I wonder if his dad still calls him by the nick name he had when he was little, I know he would love that.


I will never be the same again a part of me left with my dad.


I love you dad. x